[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
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My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Happy Febuary everyone!
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
how much does a mortician urn in a year
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
jesus, what did this guy do
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it