One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
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when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
stand with me against insufficient seating
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.