Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
You Might Also Like
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise