I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
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him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
called in thicc to work this morning
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.