“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
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When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”