The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
You Might Also Like
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba