Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
You Might Also Like
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Finally! 😈
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.