Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
You Might Also Like
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Owl Sanctuary
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*