There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
You Might Also Like
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
I want this so bad
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
The government even made aliens boring
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
i love modern commerce