[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
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The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Imagine having a party on purpose.