CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
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oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice