I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
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me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
I finally found a reason to live again.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…