God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
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I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
The devil.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.