Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
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[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Kermit goes Blue.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
This is a bad sign
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…