Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
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Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
he was correct
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”