me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
You Might Also Like
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.