Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
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My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.