Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
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HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.