Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
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Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle