[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
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Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.