I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
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Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
I think the cat got the dog high.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me