[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
You Might Also Like
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Haha good job!!
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️