My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
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A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first