I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
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When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but