I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
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9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
what my late-night hot pocket sees
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand