“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
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[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*