there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
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7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.