People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
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Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
My work here is don’t.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt