My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
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A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
23. the denim jacket
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
This 4th of July, please remember…
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
boat question
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday