Her: đ Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
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I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now Iâm driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ Iâve ever spent.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Wanna know what itâs like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, itâs questions. And it never shuts off.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed âLetâs read together!â
Iâve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldnât be bothered.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Found a page in 14 year old meâs journal in which I wrote âAnd the killer isâ-.â The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: âIs that what you think youâre like???â
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesnât say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I never feel quite so uncertain as when Iâm walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Me: âWhatâs on your menu?â
Restaurant Website: âHahaha! Wouldnât YOU like to know!â
Me: âYes?â
RW: âOur chef trained in London.â
Me: âCool, but what do you actually-â
RW: âLocal ingredients are so important to us.â
Me: âPlease, I just-â
RW: âRELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.â
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I used to be married, but Iâm better now
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on âsee who viewed but didnât like your videoâ again so Iâm ok if it goes.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now Iâm stuck in a call with my mom
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!