Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
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stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
I occasionally drink every single night.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY