Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
You Might Also Like
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
For the orator and chef in all of us
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
My wedding will be open casket.