I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
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I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Unexpected Judgment
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Holy crap this is wonderful
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Guy who likes music
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders