My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
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One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.