My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
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Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Y’all know who you are.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*