Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
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My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Hmm, not sure about this change
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Denise please return my vape pen
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.