People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
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If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb