Donating blood today to make room for more food
You Might Also Like
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
“That’s what” – She
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.