why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
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Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.