I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
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I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Yup!
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)