[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
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Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
haha same
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
🏙👨🏼
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe