Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
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WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
why isn’t he texting back
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
asking santa clause for nudes
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”