Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
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[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine