Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
You Might Also Like
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*