do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
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i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.