It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
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H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
This raises questions
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
this is the news I live for
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.