If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
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Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday