Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
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I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-