Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
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Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Snapes on a plane.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*