I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
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I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
My favorite farside!!
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*